@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

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@LlamaInaTux

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

@sixfootcandy

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

@UnFitz

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

@Tmoney68

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

@T_Bonezzz

CREATION OF MAN

God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege

@lmwortho

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

@HousewifePlus

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

@Shanehasabeard

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving