evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.