i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.
The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Beyonce should have her own trampoline company.