The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
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When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.