@buy_2_hams

*Evanescence*
(Buy two hams!)
Buy two hams right now!
(I need two hams!)
I need two sopping hams
(SAAAAVE ME)

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@fuzzlime

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@skittle624

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

@LittleMissAngr1

Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!

Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?

Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine

@ryaninco

You know you’ve had too much to drink when you ask Siri to drive you home.

@TechnicallyRon

The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA

@Darlainky

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.