@PleaseBeGneiss

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

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@roxiqt

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

@SortaBad

Why I don’t get dates:

Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun

Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time

@caseytduncan

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

@ellewasamistake

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

@lazerdoov

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

@AndrewNadeau0

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.