You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– are you excited?
screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.