Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!