@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

You Might Also Like

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@galiamango

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

@jwoodham

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@CountOnVic

Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations

@Lisa_Laughs_

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

@3sunzzz

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

@duckpuppet

In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature