My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Kanye deleted all the slander like we didn’t have an hour to grab screenshots and make power point presentations
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
In these tough times, you can pop in the Titanic DVD to watch rich people die painfully, their money powerless against the fury of nature