Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
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“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees