eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad