Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
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Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M: