I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something