@kumailn

Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”

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@jeff_ratfamily

I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I’m driving

@MarkAgee

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@abbycohenwl

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

@Shenaniglenns

CAPTCHA: to prove you’re not a robot please select all images with SCOOTERS

Me: Ok I-

CAPTCHA: that is a moped. you fool. you absolute imbecile.

@nbadag

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

@NurseMurderer

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.