Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone