@cydnizoi

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

- @cydnizoi

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

@steeve_again

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

@coolauntV

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

@shkeeber

Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?

@gilbertjasono

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

@baconacid

*drops mic*
*drops mic*
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Octopus after owning some1 in a rap battle

@ASmallFiction

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

@68Cly29

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane