Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
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My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw