Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Based Erika
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Banana is the quietest snack
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”