even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
You Might Also Like
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.