PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Whoever came up with the phrase “it’s better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn’t do” sure as shit never bought their 4 year old a whistle
Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.
I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials