@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

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@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@mydmac

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

@JillianKarger

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

@skedaddle74

Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..

@arcadeseals

doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this

@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

@cowboyjeffkent

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .