The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..
doctor: how are you feeling
me: with nerve endings, you should really know this
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My Ex? Yea I’d still hit that………WITH A CAR