@CopBroughtPizza

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

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@joejwest

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

@threetimedaddy

Whoever came up with the phrase “it’s better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn’t do” sure as shit never bought their 4 year old a whistle

@thatUPSdude

Hey girl are you the IRS, because you’re all up in my business.

@BatBatshitcrazy

In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.

@Alex_Houseof308

Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed

@Tmoney68

[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]

Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.

And Monopoly was born.

@VerifiedDrunk

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

@HomeWithPeanut

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

@IamEnidColeslaw

the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials