“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

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I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.


me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet


Idk if I wanna be a person anymore… kinda wanna be that naked garden gnome in my neighbors yard..


doctor: how are you feeling

me: with nerve endings, you should really know this


If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.


Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .