“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.