even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!