I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?