Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
beware of dog
(jukin media)
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.