Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
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Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.