Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.