Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
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but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.