[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
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If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake