Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

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[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?


Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.


I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.


Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.


Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”


Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.


5yo: I dropped my damn spoon!
Me: Don’t be using that word!
5yo: Is it a bad word?
Me: It is..
5yo: Ok..I dropped my damn “food scooper”?


If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?


My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake