Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
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Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Happy weekend !
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home