Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.