@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

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@shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@sirchutney

Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@TheHyyyype

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

@mommajessiec

9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?

Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.

@iGreenMonk

I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?

I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.

@HatfieldAnne

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

@TweeterRead

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…

@StrawburyDelite

Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?