“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
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Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I failed my driver’s test. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?
I said “I usually see what people are up to on twitter.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate…
Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?