STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg