Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
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Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure