Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Fidel Castro was alive?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Jupiter
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare