I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.