Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?