Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.