Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian
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There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can’t figure out the car alarm?
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.