Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian
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[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Bully: “Hey, four eyes!”
Me: “Don’t you mean… fork eyes?”
[Turns around. Stabs bully with forks tied to glasses. Becomes class president.]
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Her: *giggles* you hang up fir……