@ericsshadow

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

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@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked

@Skoogeth

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

@ElleAys

My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I’m fearful of her college days.

@TaylorVirtue

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@mattZillaaaa

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

@NikiWithIssues

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

@sarcasticmommy4

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”