Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Proctology is located in A55
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.