“And why did you join our gym?”
??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I’m fearful of her college days.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”