Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind