Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

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Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.


Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer


Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.


Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:


Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.


Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.


As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.