17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
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*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.