@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

@50NerdsofGrey

She said she was turned on by men who liked danger.
So he disabled his firewall.

@pixelatedboat

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

@truegritrumble

(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.

@saraheliza83

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@MarfSalvador

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@jwoodham

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

@shutupmikeginn

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’