@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

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@Sal0630

Boss: I was listening to some Tool on the way to work.

Me: I talk to myself when I’m driving sometimes too, it’s ok.

Boss: Just get out.

@lolajxx

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

@SladeWentworth

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

@KevinFarzad

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@sannewman

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

@blaudiablogan

Sign at the gas station: “Bathroom is no longer available.” I can’t believe it. Even the Shell bathroom has someone.

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.