Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
😩😩😩
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Don’t tell me what to do
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture