Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.