Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
In retrospect, “so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage” was probably weird small talk for a funeral.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Thanks to Twitter
I can tell people I read.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.