friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
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How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
the short answer to this question
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
never ask a starfish for directions
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans