Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
You are what you delete.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”