Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
#dalle2
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.