@MomOnFire

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

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@jwoodham

There’s a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.

@dumbbeezie

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

@PleaseBeGneiss

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

@_davidlucas_

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

@laurajennyjo

I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid

@SlothSlouch

*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*

@rickkondell

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

@CrockettForReal

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.