Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

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There’s a 100% chance the Republicans will discuss Starbucks cups in a debate tonight, so remember that when they ask how they lost in 2016.


If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go


doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta


A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.


I’m not going to intervene next time my kids start fighting, I’m just going to close the door and whoever comes out alive will be my kid


*First day undercover as a teen at the local college*
Me: How about them woke baes?
Them: What?
Me: Big mood bruh it’s lit so savage salty.
Them: Are you having a stroke mister?
*In a panic I start to twerk*


The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.


Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.


Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.