Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts