even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
You Might Also Like
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Feels
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes