even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all