[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
anyone else like Italian cereal
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.