Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Guys, I found it.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*