@OneFunnyMummy

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

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@cbdoubleu

Who called it Orion’s Belt instead of a waist of space?

@TheHyyyype

[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]

ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?

LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it

@fluffysuse

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

@suecorvette

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

@shawn_spree

I said I wouldn’t go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@isabelzawtun

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]