Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.