Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
the best thing i’ve ever made
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.