please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I feel seen
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”