me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
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Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL