Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

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“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds


If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:

– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito


Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*


Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*


Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.


My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?


It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.


[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.