@SchuylerPryor: Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.
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@drinksmcgee: I only have 3 rules when I have guests over: 1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite. 2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table. 3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don't.
@TheHyyyype: [first day as a bank teller] robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money me: wait, my money or the bank's money? robber: let’s start with yours me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
@DamienFahey: I wouldn't wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.