[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
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Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it