Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot

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*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”


Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.


M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.


Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?


darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay


Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.


Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*


You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?


This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.


I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.