*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Me: tries to sleep
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. I’ll sleep tonight as well. There’s also a pretty good chance I’ll take a nap soon.