Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
The Backseat Boys
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later