@CMFC99: Eventually you're going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
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@slyoung5: Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday. Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
@jonnysun: LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
@NewDadNotes: Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey? Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult. Dad: it sounds like a cult to me. Mom: 80k people follow him Harold. Me: seriously not a cult. Dad: what do you call all those people? Me: Mom: Dad: Me: my followers.
@Mike_Bianchi: It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.