Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
You Might Also Like
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.